Hope
by elektra30
Summary: I wanted her. I needed her. She was hope to me. When it turned from a simple crush into the beautiful, tragic romance. Set between #22: The Threat and #23: The Pretender. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** Animorphs belongs to Ms Applegate. I only take responsibility for adding in stuff she didn't write ;) Special thanks to Tobias Flies Free, for teaching me how to do thoughtspeech brackets on FF!

**A/N:** Animorphs is a series of books that goes in way deeper than most young adult books, dealing with the atrocities of war, the effects of war, and such deep characterisation that even up till today, people of all ages embrace these books and their characters. I've re-read each book many many times, and I have just done so for the David trilogy (ie books 20-22). So the thing is, Rachel/Tobias has been my favourite fic pairing, way before Draco/Hermione in Harry Potter. I figured some point in between 22 and 23 was the perfect point where the relationship between Rachel and Tobias progresses from those little sparks to the real deal. We see that in 22, she says that she "never knew how much (she) cared till then" for Tobias when she thought he was killed by David. And in 23, she discusses not being able to go on real dates with Tobias. Before these books they never really delve into the relationship like that. So here goes my little one-shot on what might have happened.

Enjoy, and let me know what you think of it! (:

* * *

It was a breezy night. I was thankful for the thermals that allowed me to soar through the night sky, along the familiar route to Rachel's house. That way, I wouldn't be expending my energy flapping, and I would have energy to think.

Think? What did I want to think about? If I had a human face, I would have winced. I hoped I wouldn't sound too desperate.

Ax had said Rachel was quiet on the way back from the rock they had left that traitorous David on. I, of all people – well, animals, to be exact – should know what it feels like to be counting down the minutes you have left in morph. But I had some sliver of choice. I made my own decision. David had no choice.

Well maybe he had, since he had chosen to turn against us.

But I wasn't really going to discuss David with Rachel, was I? I knew she wouldn't want to discuss him. Maybe we could discuss something else.

Jake had asked me to check on her. There was this look in his eyes that I couldn't understand, but I had a good feeling that something had transpired between him and Rachel. Maybe I could start with that.

Okay, another wince. Maybe that was too personal.

Why was I getting all nervous about this? I had flown to Rachel's house many times, I'd picked up conversations with her fairly easily. But I suppose there wasn't a time when I had to deal with her after she had finished acting her part as a beaten, humiliated Animorph, and had deliberately trapped a traitor in a morph. It had been Cassie's idea, but Rachel was the one who had carried it out. I could hardly imagine what she must be going through. I was starting to get a little idea of the conversation Jake and Rachel might have had.

Oh, wait. I banked a little to the left. Nearly missed that. Then I tucked my wings and dove silently towards the tree outside Rachel's house. Banked right. Landed on her windowsill.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

The window was raised in no time. Rachel, looking gorgeous as always. Her hair was slightly rumpled from having lain on the bed, but she still looked great. Except for that rather moody-looking face.

"Hey," was all she could say, as she lumbered back to the bed, sitting there.

I hesitated for a few seconds, then I fluttered in expertly onto the desk. ‹Hey... you feeling okay?›

Stupid question. Of course she wasn't.

She shrugged her shoulders.

‹Jake asked me to check on you.›

I could hardly see her expression now that she was staring at the floor, but I could sense that she didn't like that topic. ‹Ookay... just wanted to make sure.›

"Sorry." She sighed, bringing her knees to her chest, like a ball on the bed. "I'm just really –"

‹Tired? Sorry, I should be going then...› I fluffed up my wings.

"Hey, no." She looked at me, startled. "Don't go." The last two words were almost pleading.

‹Rachel, you're not okay.›

"No, I guess I'm not." She shook her head. "Can't sleep." Then her ice-blue eyes fixed on me. "Something's wrong with me."

‹What?› I tried to keep the alarm out of my voice, but I think I failed.

"I'm... Jake's right." She grabbed a fistful of bedsheet. "What am I going to do after this war ends? Go back to being college kid, amateur gymnast, mall rat? Is that it? Tobias, it will never satisfy me anymore. Not the way this war does." Then she cringed at the way it sounded. "God, this is just insane."

I realised what she was talking about. It had taken her a while to discover, but the rest of us had all seen it. The way Rachel was getting addicted to this war. The way she embraced it. I began to preen my feathers.

"So that's it?" Her eyes turned back onto me. "You knew it too, didn't you? All of you. That's why Jake sent me to deal with David. That's why I was the first name on his lips when he wanted somebody to take revenge for you."

I was surprised. I stopped preening my feathers. ‹Take revenge for me?›

She rolled her eyes. "We thought you were dead. Jake told Ax to get me. Specifically. He said if Tobias was dead, we'd do a terrible thing too. Get Rachel." She snorted. "Yeah."

A tingle went through me. ‹Rachel, everyone of us has a shadow. Just because you seem to be... you know, high on adrenaline during this war, doesn't mean you're bad. Even Jake. The fact that he knows how to use people. That's not something he's probably proud of. Marco. He's got a pretty cold sense of ruthlessness sometimes. Cassie. You guys don't always sit well with her morals. Ax himself probably has more secrets than he's letting us know, even though he's pledged his allegiance to Jake. Me...› I trailed off. _Me? What was my shadow? Everything?_

There was a short silence.

‹I need this war as much as you do, Rachel.› I sighed. ‹Even though I don't like it. But it gave me something to fight for. It gave me strength that I never had. And...› I stared at her. But she was looking at my raptor gaze. This was not right.

I fluttered over beside her on the bed. Then I began to morph.

Rachel didn't flinch. She just watched me, and I kept my gaze on those blue orbs all the way to becoming human Tobias, with bike shorts and a tight tee.

A flicker of a smile came onto her face.

"At least you guys are here for me," I mumbled, finding my tongue thick and unfamiliar. This time, I looked away. I could feel the hot flush of embarrassment, something I hadn't felt in a long time. It used to be part of my daily routine, to feel that horrid, burning feeling. _At least you are here for me._

"My mom would freak out if she knew I hung out with a boy this time of the night." Rachel's eyes glinted. "And guess what mom? He's actually a bird."

"A hawk," I corrected, affronted.

"Not really..." Rachel's eyes didn't quite meet mine. "A boy."

I didn't like it when she brought that up. Back when the Ellimist gave me back my morphing powers instead of the humanity I had presumed (and the others as well), Rachel had given me a lot of grief about it. She ranted and railed and demanded to know if I was sick in the head to not want my humanity back. But she didn't understand.

Rachel is one of those people in life whom you will always notice. On the sidewalk, in the mall, at school. She has this spotlight shining down on her, illuminating those perfectly beautiful features, almost making her like a goddess. Okay, I know it sounds cliched, but I think I wasn't the only guy at school who thought so. Everytime she walked by the set of lockers where mine was, I saw that all the other guys turned to look. Some occasionally raised an eyebrow or two, or even whistled, but she would always ignore them. On one or two occasions, I swear she looked my way and smiled, but I couldn't be sure. I was the new kid at school who had only been around for about two weeks, and I was well known for being the punching bag after gym class, getting stuffed into lockers and given the swirly treatment in toilets. So I could only be contented with sneaking a few glances at her during history class, which was the only class we had together.

Then when I met Jake, I met her on about maybe two occasions. The first, we didn't speak to each other at all, except for a simple 'Hi'. She had been too busy making jibes at Marco, and teasing Jake and Cassie. The second occasion she had asked me about school, and I wasn't giving encouraging replies. But she was listening, and that mattered a lot to me. Most people don't. In fact, maybe only Jake and her did.

The next time we met, we had gotten embroiled in this whole Yeerk saga.

Ever since, we've been fairly close. We've saved each other in various battles, done recreational flying (best outdoor activity in her opinion), chatted casually at her place. But the last one is always done at night, when her family is asleep, and I am a red-tailed hawk on her desk figuring out math questions with her.

We wouldn't have clicked. As humans. I was too quiet, too shy, too awkward. She stood up for everything she believed in and cared for. Polar opposites. But I don't know why as bird and girl, we seemed to be quite okay. Maybe it was her ability to accept the extraordinary. Maybe I felt more confident as a hawk, since he was a predator. The irony of life.

So I didn't really appreciate it when she went to the topic of contesting the bird and girl situation.

"It's fine as it is," I said, clearly.

Rachel shot me a look of disapproval. Or was it suspicion? Could she tell?

"I know being human reminds you of your life before, and I know it sucked big time. I know you feel more carefree as a hawk. But your life isn't what it is anymore, Tobias. You'll have a different life if you become human now."

"What, stay in Cassie's barn as a refugee?" I sounded sharper than I had intended to.

It was Rachel's turn to wince. "I didn't mean that..."

"Rachel..." My voice softened. Then I got up to stand by the window, looking out at the trees and night sky. "I'm happier as a hawk."

"Then what about me?"

It was uttered so softly that I must have misheard. I looked back at her, in surprise. But it seemed like she did say it, because those blue eyes were sad, almost pleading. I have never seen Rachel so vulnerable before. It was a ruse, I knew it... I turned back to the window.

She had told me before that she cared. She cared about what happened to me. I don't know why she did, because I was just some kid at school who got bullied and had no life outside of school. Maybe it was just pity. She pitied me for my pathetic background.

"No, I don't!" The voice was quivering with anger. I didn't realise I had said the last part out loud. Another internal wince.

She got up from the bed and rounded on me. "You of all people should know what is pity, and what is not! I don't give a hoot about people who don't care for themselves. Yeah, maybe that's what I started out having for you, when I first knew you through Jake. I thought you were stupid to let people boss you around."

She took a deep breath. "But at the same time, I couldn't help feeling that there was something more to you. You're not some small fry. It's like you've got nothing to live for. And then I heard about your background from Jake. Yeah maybe that was still pity, I don't know. But it definitely wasn't pity anymore after the day at the construction site."

I found myself staring into those blue eyes again. They were mesmerising.

Okay stop, Tobias. You are human. Not hawk.

For now.

"You were the first one who dared to speak to Elfangor. I saw the way you had a connection with him. I saw the way you seemed to be strengthened just because there was this whole alien invasion thing to go after. You were the first one who wanted to fight. You were the first one to morph. Jake told me that too. It's not just about some ability to acknowledge the extraterrestial or something, Tobias, I saw that you dared to stick up for something for the first time ever."

It was no longer _just_ a tingle. My whole body was ringing.

"Remember the night you were walking me home from one of our first few meetings? You told me you were still shaken by Elfangor's death. And I told you so was I. And then you told me some more of your feelings. And guess what, I had them too."

I bit back a smile. Rachel had no idea what kind of effect she had on me to make me talk to her like that. I had felt like the world's biggest dork after that "walk of confession".

"You aren't any different from the rest of us. You're just as scared, just as unsure. But you were just so determined." She shrugged again. "I guess I really admired you then. Even for pretending that you had guts."

"I feel flattered." I raised an eyebrow. Hadn't forgotten how to do that. "Thanks."

She was quite close to me now. It made my breathing harder.

"So at first I just thought it was admiration," she was trying to suppress a grin, "plus... you were pretty cute."

Wait. She thought I was cute?

Okay this was getting weird. "Uh-huh." I twisted my face into what I hoped was a look of amusement. "I thought that adjective only applied to Marco. Thanks again."

She cocked an eyebrow. "I will never _ever_ tell Marco he's cute."

"No, I don't suppose. But you'll tell me that I'm cute?"

"Don't get your ego bloated."

"Nope. Not at all."

Who was I kidding? And did she just say she admired me? Wow, okay, my knees were definitely feeling wobbly now. But why was Rachel saying all this to me? To make me feel better? Or to make herself feel better? To take her mind off the atrocity we had just done to David...

"You really aren't okay," I said, in a forced voice.

"No, I guess not." Rachel smiled wryly. She continued. "There were all those battles that we fought side-by-side, all those flying expeditions where you'd take me on an aerial rollercoaster..." I could almost see her eyes shining. The way they did when she yelled "Let's do it!" just before a battle. "You intrigued me, Tobias. You seemed to be more at ease with yourself despite being trapped as a hawk." I could feel the pain in her voice as she spoke. "I still thought that was admiration." Then she whispered, growing serious. "I guess I only really knew when I heard David had killed you..."

"Knew what?"

"I was beyond angry." She wasn't answering my question, but I left it. "Every nerve in me was tingling, I could feel... you know the expression about anger rattling your bones? I think that was it. And it was painful. It just took every ounce of self-control not to..." Her fists clenched. "And I think Jake knew it. He knew it and he used it. He knew what I would say to David."

"Rachel..."

Suddenly, I found myself in her embrace. She had grabbed me, almost desperately. I was breathing in the soft perfume of her hair, and I swear my heart nearly stopped. Her nails were digging into my shirt as the ragged breaths came out in puffs on my shoulder.

"I was scared of losing you, Tobias, I wanted to kill him so badly because he had taken away somebody I never knew I cared so much for till right then."

Okay, my heart really stopped just then.

"And I never got to tell you... I'm so afraid I'll lose you again, Tobias..."

She sounded like she was about to cry. That started my heart up again. And this time, it was aching.

I placed my arms around her tentatively, almost wonderously. I had never even talked much to a girl before, let alone come into contact with her. And here I was, hugging Rachel. Or rather, she was hugging me more than I was hugging her. I never really had the practice. The last time Rachel had thrown her arms around me, it was more because she couldn't believe I was in human form. I had responded by trying to fly away with human arms. Swell.

But now I knew. I knew why she was so desperate for me to become human again. A hawk would never be able to hug her the way I was doing now. A hawk would never be able to take her to the dance, take her to the movies, hold her hand. And with that knowledge came a wave of bittersweetness. It was almost tempting. My life had definitely changed with the war. There were the Animorphs. There was Rachel. What was I doing with it? Living in the meadow. Soaring with thermals. Swooping down on rodents and devouring them. Giving aerial reports to Jake while on a mission. Was that what I truly wanted?

I would lose my wings. My eyes. My hearing. My freedom.

"Rachel, don't do this..." I was issuing her a plea as well. "I – I know you care, you've been awesome to me. You care when no one else does. Don't you think I know it all?"

I pulled back such that my arms were still around her, and so were hers around me, but I could see her face. Tears were welling up in her eyes, but she was blinking them back fiercely.

"It's like a dream come true meeting you." I wished I didn't sound so pathetic and cliched, but it felt like the things I _had_ to say. "I... I think I'd have felt the same way if I knew you were, you know, going to be in danger too."

I let that sink in. Her eyes were fixed on me again, as if searching mine for something deep within me.

I could have kissed her. Her face was just centimetres away from me. That beautiful face that could have easily gone on the cover of Seventeen if not for the fact that it was laden with weariness from countless battles, and maybe the fact that Rachel would have morphed to grizzly with impatience from the nitty-gritty directions of fashion photographers, and completely botched the shoot.

It was thrilling. Knowing that the most beautiful girl in school had a crush on you, the loser of the school, just as much as you had one on her. But she wasn't just a preppy supermodel-lookalike. She was Rachel – brave, reckless Rachel. She had gone into a one-to-one deadlock with David to avenge me. It was stupid, reckless, dangerous. But it told me everything.

I let her go. She let go, too. I had never kissed anyone in my life, and I wasn't about to ruin the night with my attempt. Rachel isn't one of those touchy-feely people. Which made that hug even more special.

"It's more than that." I didn't let my gaze linger too long on her; even as a human, it was too sharp. "You said you admired me for my determination to fight. I still have that determination. It's my life now, this war, just as it is for you. Both of us need it to keep going. I can't just drop out like that just because – just because we were selfish."

She didn't understand. I could tell from her eyes that she didn't want to accept that explanation. But she knew better than to argue with me. And I knew better than to stay there for too long. If I stayed there any longer, the temptation would be too strong.

I placed my hands on the desk, ready to begin my transformation. Back to the life I was used to.

Or at least, getting used to.

"I'm sorry I can't give you as much hope as I wish I could..." She stared at me. Heartbreaking, those eyes. I should stop looking at them. "Someday..."

‹Yeah.› I was halfway to becoming hawk. ‹Someday.›

"Really?"

I knew better than to make empty promises. ‹You mean a lot to me, Rachel. It's me who should be sorry.›

_We really should stop with the apologies_, I thought. But I saw the hint of a smile on her face. "Ever so stubborn. Watch out for the owls."

‹I will. Look, Rachel...› I hesitated on the windowsill.

"What, you think I can't handle dating a bird?" She cocked her head to the side, eyeing me mockingly. "Or are you afraid of all the jokes Marco will dish out?"

Dating? Rachel was ever so presumptuous.

But I pretty liked it.

‹I don't want you to do this just because...›

"Shut up, Tobias. It's late." She yawned, to prove her point. "I'm a girl who can turn into any animal whose DNA is floating within me now. I'm fighting alien slugs along with three other insane kids, a hawk-boy, and an alien who is a bit of everything from a scorpion to a deer. My life is already thrown inside-out, I can handle _anything_."

She was just being reassuring. ‹I'm glad to know that.›

"Yeah."

I shouldn't have to make her do it. I could just tell her there was nothing on my part. I didn't reciprocate it. She wouldn't have to deal with all the complexities involved. But I was weak. I wanted her. I needed her. She was hope to me.

"Goodnight, Tobias."

‹Goodnight, Rachel.› And I took off into the night sky. I could sense she was watching after me, but I didn't look back, letting the breeze of the night take me higher, higher into the sky.


End file.
